You should add untrustworthy and immature to that. Seriously, cut it out with this whole blaming the community BS. I have been doubted in many things myself that might not have been important, like building a snow fort in late January, everyone told me I couldn't. However, it's our duty to stand up to those doubts and defy them. I even named my fort "Fortress Booya" as a bit of bragging rights since I chose to be inventive and use a snowdrift made from a snow truck and carved my base out of that. However, you chose to respond to doubts by become a twisted shell of your former self. That isn't on the community, that's your own damn fault.
Personally, I think your rights to Calderon died when you declared your "old self" dead, as a dead corpse can't lead anything. I just hope that Leanson gets back soon because he doesn't deserve a one-man parking lot you're heading his faction into. He does not deserve that.
You have no idea what it's like to be shunned by the very people you used to trust the most, back then I used to believe that one man's decisions cannot rule the masses, I knew that I was bound to make mistakes, that as long as I respected everyone whom I met I would get theirs in return, that holding a good public image was utmost important.
What happened to that? The very people I appointed to help rule were the ones who aided its downfall, you all know spawn camping was a lie, the one who destroyed the station could justify. It was half a year of my pride and joy destroyed overnight, you think it was easy on me? It was the first damn time I had ever shed tears over a video game.
The blow was too great, I had to take a break. I went to EVE to seek refuge, there I had to start small, climb up a steep learning curve, eventually ended up leading a corporation State Industries. I lead it the same way I lead the CR, and even though we were looked down upon by other factions we didn't care, the 60 of us were happy. But then came the griefers, AWOLers, the ones who joined to rob our small community of everything we had. Yet again I was reminded that I can't just trust everyone I meet.
4 months later I came back, to see that the community had grown, small factions made big, some were missing, new players I had never met. So I decided, hey the starmade community isn't as harsh as EVE, I'll try bring the CR back. The very moment I created the new thread I felt excited, ambitious, I wanted to regain what I once loved. The comments at first were pleasant, people giving warm welcomes etc, but then came the very people I once trusted the most, to tell me that I was a fool, that not only would I fail at bring it back I would further destroy what little had remained.
I took offense, I felt betrayed, I felt angry. What gives these people the rights to crush my visions before I was even given a chance, sure they helped shape the faction, but these were the people I spent over half a year with, I considered one of them one of my best friend as far as online friendship goes, I was drowned in a pool of hate, frustration, I lashed back, forfeited my personal image to say what I had to say, foolish as it may have been it was the only thing that mattered to me at the time, to clear the assumptions and false accusations. The moment I realized I had gone too far it was too late, over. I can't take back what I've said, nor will I deny that some of them didn't even make sense.
At the time the of the forums change a new lifestyle was forced upon me, I had no time to even think of gaming. So after that was done I came back again, saw that things were still the same, I had shown the ugly side of me, that was the new face everyone knew me by, a man who couldn't keep him mind set on a goal, someone who leaves halfway throughout the journey. I tried as hard as I could to keep the old me alive, but critic after critic, one negative comment after another, each one took a part of me and twisted it, there was no one to back me up, no one cared, not even a simple " leave him alone". I felt cornered, as if the entire community was against me. If you think me to be strong enough to handle all that pressure then you are wrong, I snapped when zeveryn backed by CyberTao and another member,made post after post denying that the CR still had people playing. Hell Incap was there and he didn't even try to stop zev. I decided to fight fire with fire, in a desperate attempt to make something out of this character that I had unknowingly developed.
I get that I sometimes sound arrogant and ignorant when I make posts, but all that was part of my new obsession to create an epic backstory for my faction one much like the Amarr from EVE, I had hoped that that would help with recruits. Needless to say it backfired, resulting in many who saw my faction as another arrogant noob faction not knowing that I didn't really mean everything I wrote in the factions description.
What I've been through is hard to understand, yeah, I'm pathetic, I'm immature, I'm hot headed, I'm short sighted, I'm arrogant, but most of all I'm desperate.
This is my story, and to me this is why I turned out this way. Please don't compare my past to building some snow fortress, what I've been through is not so simple.
I know many of you are still going to hate me, but I surrender, you win, I give up. I'm still going to play starmade, but maybe a lot less actively.
If I have offended you, sorry, if I had let you down, sorry, but I'm only human, there's only so much I can take without breaking.
Please, i know I don't have the right to ask for your respect, but I hope you can at least refrain from further negative comments, give the faction a chance.
